So I've been tired and totally forgot to keep this thing up... how rude of me...

My little man is still waking up.. his 1st b-day has come and gone. my now 13 month old is still waking up alot... we had one glorious night when he woke up only one time but it all reversed back to the 1-2hr wake ups...

so We are now trying a sleep program from a sleep specialist.. I'm so hoping it will work.. if not I may very well lose my freaking mind....

I have Friends with new babies and I really would like to try to have another baby but if this no sleep thing continues our little man will be an only child.....

If i could sleep through the night I know I can be a better mommy. I could have more energy to get out and do more for and with my child...

the guilt I have is over whelming... I feel horrible for getting mad or crying when he wont sleep...

I just need him to sleep.....

So Last night at about 1130 my husband informs me that we are going to let the baby cry himself to sleep... I was not ready for this, t came out of no where, my husband hasnt tried to help with sleeping since our baby was born 9 months ago..
I was crying as much as he was, it nearly broke my heart to hear hm cry and my husband was not sympathetic to my issues...
He also made me feel like the most horrible parent in the world. he told me that it was my fault our son was awake as much as he is during the night. and that I created this problem...
Men.....
it took our little guy over 65 min to calm down and finally go to sleep, then he slept for about 3 and 1/2 hours and then it took another hour to get him to pass out when he woke up at around 4 am.... to say the least I watched the sun rise....
so I talked with my hubby and told him my issues and I think we are ok.. im still a bit pissed at him... But then he goes from 930 am till well after dinner on a bike ride with his buddy.
I want to go get on my motorcycle and get away from all of my responsibilities for a while... and leave him with a baby all day.. nice... really nice....

It's nearly 10 pm and my Husband is out with the boys riding motorcycles and I'm at home alone with my little man, He has woken up 4 times since putting him to bed... I'm tired and am feeling a bit like a single mom.
I love my husband and he's a great father and provider for us but sometimes he just doesn't get it.
Our little guy might have tonsillitis and we are just waiting for the test results to find out if he has it or not so i haven't been going o my mommy's group. and have a bit of cabin fever and I'm feeling a bit alone...
I know that I need to suck it up and deal with it, but I honestly want to cry. I Love being a mom but I miss my pre- mom life . Especially sleeping till noon on Saturdays and sleeping through the night... I dream about sleeping for 8hrs in a row... Heck 6 would be amazing and 4 n a row would be great.
Maybe I need to just let him cry... But it breaks my heart, I my give it a try but after we find out if he is sick or not... I would hate to make him worse...
god I sound like such a whiner... But it feels great to let it out...

the begning

So Im starting this blog to get stuff off of my chest.....
I am a mom of a wonderful beautiful little baby boy I LOVE LOVE LOVE him....he's the apple of my eye and I love him so please dont think Im not grateful for having him in my life...
BUT.. he just wont sleep at night he falls asleep not to bad to begin with but he wakes up about an hour later.. usually crying and my hubby cant get him back to sleep he only wants mamma...
I am not a believer of letting him cry it out, it breaks my heart and I couldn't imagine how this could be a good think for anyone. I have not slept through the night since was 4months pregnant and he is now 9months old..
Im slowly losing my mind . I feel bad when I get upset because he wont go to sleep or he's crying at 2 am... my husband and I now sleep in separate rooms so he can get rest before going to work in the morning.. our sex life has dwindled and I honestly haven't felt sexy in over a year....
feel like a bad mom when at 4 in the morning he wakes me up for the 5th time and I'm pissed... I've told my baby to shut up... I have cried beside him once he has fallen asleep because I have guilt for being mad at him... I love him so much but this lack of sleep in driving me crazy...
Ive NEVER hurt my baby , and I never will but I can totally see how people can...
right now he has just woken up from a 40 min nap and he's cheerfully playing on the floor, I probably should have had a nap with him .... ohh well ....
Im always tired.. I could drop off at any moment...
I wonder if Im a bad mom, what and I dont wrong and why wont my kid sleep.......